3 replies to this topic

[Lind Wanijima]

I'm a pretty bad story teller so I'm going to try as hard as I can
Also going add some errors purposely into the story's like for example *GetOwned* for sounds in that example he got slashed or smashed
Please read and rate it 1-10
Tell me what you think

Black = Story 1
Red = Story 2
Blue = Story 3


Story 1,The Beginning



A long time ago, there was a dark time in Demon's life
. It was his birthday and he had gotten the perfect cube cake with sparkling red brick flames above the candles. He had just gotten the present he's wanted his whole life, a sword named "Nuclear Destruction
". It was the world's forbidden sword, although those present did not know this at that time.So Demon
went outside to test it out. Once he had picked it up he noticed it was very heavy for him to hold up off the ground, but he did not care. He marked a target on a tree, which he began to stab and swing at with ease
.
He then went to test it on a rock. In the dazzling heat he stabbed the sword into the ground and went all the way to the ground. "Pssh, this sword's crazy!" Demon exclaimed, not realizing that it struck far deeper into the ground, far, far deeper than he had meant to. As the ground started to open up and crack, he opened the door to his house, walked to the kitchen, and got a drink, before walking outside. Suddenly his home was swallowed up behind him, into the crevasse he had unknowingly created. Demon then looked back, the crevasse from the sword, that carried on to the house. Yelling out to see if his parents were still alive in the crumbling hole of cubes, crying as lava started to go through the cracks. He smashed a cube on the ground with his fist, breaking it into tiny particles with his anger.

That's all I got for now thanks for reading

Edited by Demon, 12 May 2012 - 03:11 AM.

[BlueTiger6001]

I probably can't do better but honesty is always the best policy. Take this as constructive, not hateful, criticism.

The sound effects shouldn't be weird words you made up, they should be real sounds like "Pwehhh" or "Boom". As well as this, you should not put them in asterisks as that is for when you are in a chatroom or something. Most importantly, you shouldn't usually start a sentence with a connective (you can occasionally for effect). Such connectives could include: and, but, because, so. (Things like however and moreover are allowed) There was a sentence near the end where it said SOMETHING LIKE:

"As the lava began to fall as he cried". Just read through and fix mistakes like this please .

Edit: Oh and for the actual story line, I'll give you 8/10. Needs improvement but is still quite good. Where is the pride of saying "Our faithful leader let his parents die, whilst crying, due to his own destruction!" ? He should not cry, maybe you could say "He swept away a single tear and then bravely ran and jumped into the deep hole." and some other stuff after that. Good luck!

Edited by BlueTiger6001, 11 May 2012 - 03:31 PM.

[ProsaurusRex]

A long time ago, there was a dark time in Demon's life

. It was his birthday and he had gotten the perfect cube cake with sparkling red brick flames above the candles. He had just gotten the present he's wanted his whole life, a sword named "Nuclear Destruction

". It was the world's forbidden sword, although those present did not know this at that time.So Demon

went outside to test it out. Once he had picked it up he noticed it was very heavy for him to hold up off the ground, but he did not care. He marked a target on a tree, which he began to stab and swing at with ease

.

He then went to test it on a rock. In the dazzling heat he stabbed the sword into the ground and went all the way to the ground. "Pssh, this sword's crazy!" Demon exclaimed, not realizing that it struck far deeper into the ground, far, far deeper than he had meant to. As the ground started to open up and crack, he opened the door to his house, walked to the kitchen, and got a drink, before walking outside. Suddenly his home was swallowed up behind him, into the crevasse he had unknowingly created. Demon then looked back, the crevasse from the sword, that carried on to the house. Yelling out to see if his parents were still alive in the crumbling hole of cubes, crying as lava started to go through the cracks. He smashed a cube on the ground with his fist, breaking it into tiny particles with his anger.

Fixed it up.

[Lind Wanijima]

Haha,Remember this is the past this character was still young and happy

And also take note i was tired at the time so if i made spelling mistakes I wouldn't have realized it at the time and was too lazy to make sound effects